“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.” Colin Powell

Progress Report
Articles Submitted to AC: 30
Articles Purchased or Published: 23
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 24,000
Other things written: a one-act play called 1 on 1.

So I am three days into this whole writing and job hunting thing. The writing is still going very well. The job hunting could be a lot better.

I think the main reason why the job hunt is a struggle is my mood. I mean sure the job market sucks. I have called a dozen places and most are not hiring. A few places I called are part of the University so they won’t really work out for me. A few places were willing to take my application. I don’t mind the slow progress because I have time. Its just my mood. When I am doing my job hunting I get really tense and anxious. I am prone to distraction.

The thing is that last time I hunted for a job I nearly lost everything. I searched for six months and could find nothing. I was nearly out of money and almost got evicted. It was terrible and so I guess job hunting now have all these negative emotions.

I am working through it though. I know I need to find a job. If I want to keep writing I need to find a day job and so I am going to find it. I use my family and my writing as my motivators. I grit my teeth and just keep at it. So far there is not many good prospects but I keep searching.

“Most writers have day jobs,” Sharon

Progress Report
Articles Submitted to AC: 24
Articles Purchased or Published: 18
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 21,500
Other things written: a one-act play called 1 on 1.

I have gained a level three clout on Associated Content (the number is based on articles you have published and hits you have gotten on those articles). Soon I will heave enough experience to be a level five writing wizard. (I know that was dorky but I simply could not help my news.)

In more serious news I am going to have to scale back the writing a little bit. My original plan was to write for two months and have that be the only thing I do. I can afford to do it this way but I still don’t own my house. I really want to own this property so I am going to start looking for a job.

This does not mean I am going to quit writing for AC or myself. I am still going to write in the morning and in the afternoon I am going to look for a job. I have time so I am going to find a job that pays a decent wage, offers insurance and you know..not suck.

Maybe someday I will get back to writing full time. I really did enjoy it and I got enough of a taste during these two weeks to know that writing is what I want to be doing with my life. I just need to do what’s right for my long term happiness as well. Owning this house would make me so happy and in the long wrong my living expenses would go down. So it’s a good move all around. If you know of any good jobs out there let me know.

I will admit I am a little bummed. There was a pure pleasure in getting up and writing all day at home. The more I think about it though the less bummed I feel. This just means that someday I will get to go back to this writing thing full time, but on my terms. This is all a good thing.

The truth is I don't want to write about yesterday in terms of writing. It was a terrible writing day filled with a whole lot of sputtering. I only got one article done and I am not even that happy with it. Still the day was filled with a lot of publishing so I thought I would direct you to my Associated Content source page. This is the main hub to all my articles. Read as many as you want or all of them. Of if you don't have time but want to support me in my quest. Just click on all the links.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/540309/grant_bracken.html

“Shakespeare’s got to get paid yo!” ~ Reduced Shakespeare Company

Progress Report
Articles Submitted to AC: 20
Articles Purchased or Published: 15
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 21,500
Other things written: a one-act play called 1 on 1.

Yesterday I had a full day of writing and it went quiet well.  I had my stutters and false starts but in general it was a good day. I wrote and submitted two articles and got some work done with the novel. I also had time to prep the role-playing game I ran that night.

I have these moments of great concern and panic when I think about things like money and health insurance. Like after lunch yesterday I was caught in a brief yet powerful storm of despair. Then I got the notice that AC bought a whole bunch of my articles and I felt okay. I mean if I spend too much time looking at the facts of right now I will just get lost in it. I am sure that many people who have done amazing periods had to have a tightrope period of great risk. You have to make it across to get to the good stuff and if you look down your screwed.

So I am trying not to look down too much. Though I do wish my unemployment money was not going to take two weeks to really kick in.

I am moving forward. I am going to apply to Suite 101 another online publication service that might pay a little bit more and I am going to contact the magazine Columbia Inside to see if they might want some freelance work. It would be good to get some local press under my belt. I think the general idea is to diversify as much as possible when it comes to this writing thing.

“Keep at it. Maybe fate has something in store for you.” ~Kiya

Progress Report
Articles Submitted to AC: 17
Articles Purchased or Published: 8
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 21,000
Other things written: a one act play called 1 on 1.

Today might be the first day that it felt like a job, this writing journey. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I am glad I have reached this point to be honest.

 So far this whole thing could have been a musical number where I burst out of my house and sing a happy tune. A bird would land on my shoulder and dancers would come out of nowhere. We would sing about how writing has set me free.

This morning I had to file my first unemployment claim and only had a half day to get writing done. I felt this great pressure to submit my articles for AC and make some progress on the novel. Yet I was also tired and just wanted to nap as well. It was a struggle to get those articles and yet it felt good when I was finished. I got two articles submitted to AC (one about the Wimpy Kid books and the other about the card game Chairman Mao) but did not get to the novel. Still, even thought I feel a little worn, I have a sense of accomplishment that I did not have when I was working at Mid Mo.

The struggle of today made me think that maybe this is really where I am suppose to be. If even during the hard times I feel good, that is a good sign.

Tomorrow I will have another half day of writing and will work as hard as I can to get to the novel after the articles. I will hopefully have some new links tomorrow of published work but until then I am going to give the keyboard a rest.

I have to write like my life depended on it.

Progress Report
Articles Submitted to AC: 14
Articles Purchased or Published: 8
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 20,000
Other things written: a one act play called 1 on 1.

So yesterday afternoon while I waited for a ride to baby sit the always entertaining Gabe, I read my letter from unemployment. Starting this Sunday I can start filing claims and the amount I am brining in is more than I thought it would be. More than what I was planning on when I decided to do only a month of this writing thing. Mind you its unemployment so its not a lot more but even a little more each week adds up.

It looks like I could wait until September to look for work instead of August as I first thought. A month had seemed like plenty of time to get this out of my system but now a lifetime doesn’t feel like enough. I will settle for two months though. Of course the sensible man who take this extra cushion and still start looking for a job in August. Be happy to have three months to find a job instead of two. I imagine this sensible version of me would also be job hunting now.

I think I am going to choose to not be sensible. I really am not sure if there is any other real path ahead of me. At this moment I am a writer. It is an unrealized dream that has been found. I can go back to working some nine to five job, I know that I will be okay with it. But I can only go back once I know that I tried to be a writer for as long as I could.

Maybe something with happen in these two months that will make the dream last a little longer. Yesterday morning I was not sure if I could keep doing this even until August and now I have gained a whole other month.

I feel the winds of fate are behind me on this one, but only if I treat the time I am given to writing as sacred. Even when I job hunt I am going to be writing and what ever job I have to get will just be an interruption between writing.

I am going to keep writing until I think I can make a living at it, then I am going to do that until something else makes me feel as good as this does. Other than the close love of a few friends and family nothing I have ever done has ranked over the thrill I have when I write this much. Even when I am writing little articles for AC its exciting.

I am getting better at it too. I can’t express to you the excitement of doing something you love and being aware that your getting better at it every day. It is like I am back at Ramapo in the first weeks where every moment was a lesson.

This is the journal of a happy man.

I have been unemployed now for three days and I have never been happier.

This statement is very strange for me because I remember the last time I was without work. It was one of the worse six months of my life. But this time around it is a little different. I decided instead of freaking out I was going to take a month off from job hunting and try to be a writer.

Now writing is something I have sort of always done but only recently discovered in the last six months. I just started to write a series of stories about a family known as the Goodfellows and other stories as well. I use to get at least a dozen good ideas for stories in a day but now I was doing more than letting those stories float away.

So the grand experiment became writing during the month of July and see what I could produce. I would write for Associated Content in the morning to make a little bit of profit. My works for them would be small articles mostly very fluffy. I imagine they will mostly end up being about entertainment but I will branch out as much as I can. Than in the afternoon I would work on my stories with a focus on the Goodfellow stories that are swiftly evolving into a novel.

I started the experiment a little early because I had sick time with the state still. I have been at it for about ten days and I have fallen in love. Of course I love that I can work from home. I love that I can work shirtless in sleep pants all day if I want to. I like that I can have lunch with my family and pet my can at the office. All of those things are trivial compared to the love affair I am having with writing. This experiment has quickly shifted away from seeing what I can produce in the month of July and now has become a quest to see how long I can do this before I have to find a real job.

Now not everything is rosy. I want desperately to own my little house and now that I have no job that has become difficult. My landlord wants me to buy the house as well and I worry if I don’t act soon I am going to loose my chance to own this place. On some level I know I am risking my house by spending this month writing but that is not enough to stop me. I am just going to keep writing and trying to figure things out as I go along. I believe I am driven by fate and something big is on the horizon. This big thing, this new path in my life I believe to be involved with the words I write and so all I can do is keep writing them.

I have decided to journal this process because I want to remember this crazy adventure for the rest of my life and I know my memory is not the greatest.

I have keep my face book friends aware of my process but I also want everyone to know how the adventure is going. So here is my progress report…

Articles Submitted to AC: 11
Articles Purchased or Published: 6
Money Made from AC: 12$
Word Count for House Goodfellow: 19,700
Other things written: a one act play called 1 on 1.

Well after weeks and weeks of prep and an 8 show run, the show is over. We put on some great shows, in fact ever performance was grand. We did 8 outdoor shows and not a single one got rained on despite the threat of storms multiple times. Our actors were amazing. There was no drama among the crew. It was a perfect experience.

To be honest I am a little sad to see it end.

The state filter that use to not let me get onto livejournal at all, now lets me get on. Yet it doesn't let me check my friends list. How strange indeed.

CWOSA Show Journal Reherasal Day One and Two

We started to read through the show on Monday and Tuesday. It was a pretty simple affair. Just five people sitting in a room going through the script. Still the actors seem to be getting the hang of it really quickly. They had me laughing out loud during the first read through, and I had read the script a bunch of times. Its very cool to see how each actor is putting their own spin on it. The real trick is that each actor has to develop sort of a meta role that is like themselves only more silly. Then they have to do a bunch of different characters.

One actor has both of those aspects just right. One has a great meta role, lots of confidence and great timing but they are struggling with all the different roles. The other actor has the other roles down but has no real meta actor, he is all over the place. Still they all seem like hard workers and lack the attitude your worry about in things like this.

Its a little odd right now because I have not really done anything as an AD. I am mostly sitting around being amused at the process. Its really cool to watch a show develop. I am sure I will prove my worth soon. For the time being I am having a lot of fun.

CWOSA Call Backs

So on Saturday we had our call back auditions. We asked four people back. We had them read some new scenes from the play and do more improv exercises. We had three folks that we had already seen and then a fellow who could not make the first two auditions because he was already doing a play. Everyone did very well, in fact by the end of it we really had trouble deciding it. I guess this is kind of rare for community theater. Most times you struggle to fill your cast and this time we had one two many good choices.

So Monica, the director decided to take the night to think it over and then called me this afternoon. She had made her choice. She chose two guys name Chris and Ben who are both really funny. They are old pros when it comes to doing shows and both have improv under their belts. Then for the third part we chose a lady name Michelle who is a little newer to Columbia theater but showed a lot of promise. I am very happy with these choices.

We have our first read through tommorow. I am very excited to be involved. The real journey starts tommorow.

Day One

I am a nervous wreck.

But first I should give some background. Two years ago I ended my run as director for Fyrefae Productions. We did fetish, burlesque performance art every month. Some of our shows were just a couple of skits but a few shows were longer productions. I have directed versions of Alice in Wonderland and Othello. When it comes to being a director I do know what I am doing.

Still when it comes to the community theater crowd in Columbia I have always felt like an outsider looking in. This show is my first chance to be really involved in that community and so I feel like I have something to prove. I know this is not Broadway but I was very nervous to be at this audition. I mean we didn’t do auditions with Fyrefae, we just asked friends to play certain roles. I had never even been to an audition and now I was going to help make decisions about who gets to stay and who goes. A part of me felt like an imposter.

As it ends up the audition was somewhat anticlimactic. The Complete Works of Shakespeare Abridged is a 90 minute comedy where three actors do a series of skits as they attempt to perform all the works of Shakespeare in one night. We only need three actors, they need to be able to handle a lot of lines and improve. They need to be funny yet know how to speak Shakespeare well enough that it doesn’t sound like Greek to them.

We need three really strong actors and we have three auditions to find them. We had two people show up last night at all. I was kind of expecting more, and I am told we will have more Friday night. I sure hope so because instead of picking the best of what is presented we may just have to pick who we can find.

The way we handled auditions is we picked five scenes that involved all three actors. The actors in a sense play themselves but the three parts sort of have personality to them. One of the actors is kind of a pompous know it all (he plays Titus, and Hamlet). One of the actors has a lot of silly energy and is kind of the heart of the program (he plays Romeo and countless other parts). The final actor has a little bit of attitude and is kind of foolish (he plays all the female roles a fact that he is not very happy about)

The main problem with our format is that we only had two people auditioning so I ended up playing the part of the third actor. This did not help with my nerves.

The two actors both brought a lot of energy. One of them is an old pro, who you could tell really wanted the part. He had great timing, could jump between playing Romeo, then Juliet. He was funny and I think he would be a perfect fit. The other actor had the energy but was really nervous. She also had this odd accent that she took on only when she started acting. She was a nice girl but I don’t think she could handle being a lead.

So after the first night I think we have one of three actors. That is not a terrible number but if the turn out keeps on getting low it’s going to be hard to make the show happen. My hope for the next audition is that I will be less nervous and tons of people will show up wanting to be in our show.

Day Two

We had two new people show up. What's more they did not suck. They were both Mizzou college students, both very fun, cute young ladies and both showed a lot of talent. You could feel the room on the directors side of the table breath a huge sigh of relief when they showed up.

Also I felt a lot better about myself. I think I hit my stride. It helped to remind myself that there was a reason I was in the room, they wanted me there. Also it helped to remember I was not in charge, I was just there to offer advice and help out. These are two things I am quite good at and slipped into the role nicely.

The auditions went very well. We had the two folks from night one and the two new folks. We ran through all five scenes we set up and some improv games. After it was all said and done I feel like we have at least three actors that could handle the roles. There are a few people we heard that could only make it on Saturday so we invited the three that we think are solid and we are gonna mix them in with the Saturday folks.

The hope is that after wards we will have a cast.

After today I have three more days until the Auditions for The Show. I am both very nervous and excited to start working on CWOSA. I have never really been involved in a show like this and some how I have gotten myself to be assistant director. It is pretty crazy. I plan to do small post every day that I am working on this production. Mostly so I can document the experience for myself. I think in the end its going to feel like a blur of motion and I want some way to pick through it afterward.

For now I am just trying to enjoy this Sunday that has been fairly chill. I think this will be my last day with no real plans for a long while. I have played video games, read my book and destroyed weeds. Perhaps I will watch a movie later or episodes of the Office. Or just hang out with the family.

I have not posted in a while because it is hard to find words for most of what has been going on in my life. I have this friend who I chat with online and every day we chat she ask how I am doing. My only response I can give is that is complicated. Even if I had an hour to sit her down I am not sure how to explain things. My family life is complicated but more importantly my head space is complicated. I don't even know where to start.

I am still here and breathing. In fact I have had a lot of good moments since St Louis. Koren's birthday went very well. All the guys really worked together and gave her a celebration fit for a queen. I was impressed at what we were able to do when we worked together. I also have a show coming up soon and that is exciting.

I also found out the CEC is doing Rent next season. I know that there is little chance of being getting in on the show but I always said I would audition if it came to town. So that is what I am doing.

So it looks like I survived a week of minimal kink, no soda (because I am trying to give it up) and countless frustrating moments at work. It is now the weekend where I will get time with the family, meet with my fellow directors from 5th wall and game on Sunday.

It is like the perfect weekend for me, except that I will be kind of hard to be away from Ma'am right now. The only time I feel real ok is when I am near her. Still I think its important for me to have these events outside of the household because the truth is I can't be with her all the time. Work and life will not allow it. If I spent all weekend by her side then going back to work would be that much harder.

In other news my best bud Reed is back in the state of Missouri. He is coming to visit the household next weekend so that should be cool. I think that is about it. I am going to go enjoy my weekend now.

So its been a few days since we got back from Beat Me. They have not been bad days at all. They have been normal life type of days. I go to work spend about half my time working and half my time doing my own thing. Then I go home and spend time with the family. Spend some time on the computer and then go to bed. A week ago I would have been happy with these type of days but now they just seem kind of dull. I miss the world where power exchange is common place.

I want to see Dommes walking with their subs on leashes as I walk to work. I want there to be a open dungeon club downtown with no cover where every weekend people come all tricked out. I want the city of Columbia to offer classes on fear play like they offer swimming lessons in the summer. I mean how cool would that be. I know this is a little extreme so I will keep my wishes small. I wish I could just tell everyone that Koren is my Domme and not have to explain. Whats more I want people to understand the pride one has by being a good sub or Domme. I mean at Beat Me I was at my most comfortable and confident. I invest so much energy in being the best sub I can be but in the real world none of that matters. I know it might sound petty but I wish people knew how good I was at being Koren's sub. I want the world to be more like Beat Me.

Sadly it is not. The only thing I have been able to do to be ok with this fact is start writing again. I am trying to work out a setting where the world of Beat Me was the norm. I have not figured it out quite yet but it is helping my soul to write about all of this.

Also I have decided that I need to try to make it to every possible kink think I can make it too. I can't wait another six months for my fix.

So I just finished Years of Rice and Salt. I am happy to say even though it was a long read I enjoyed every moment of it. I plan to add Kim Stanley Robinson to my list of authors that I want to digest fully. Of course this makes the list of books to read even larger but oh well. I am now about to start The Mysteries of Pittsburgh because there is a movie coming out that is based on it that looked really cool. Also I have heard many good things about the author, Michael Chabon.

I will start to read it tonight but I already love the opening quote...

"We have shared out like thieves the amazing treasure of nights and days" J. L. Borges

What am I reading: "The Years of Rice and Salt" by Kim Stanley Robinson. I am not sure about the rest of this guys stuff but this book is amazing. I am very impressed by the scope of what he is trying to do. Unlike many alternate history books that explore one small piece of history, this guy is writing out a whole time line. He is building a world where European culture never dominated and so other cultures fill the void. He takes each section to explore the different periods of importance and we get to see it through the same characters who are being reborn into new souls. Each section is written to reflect the time period it is and even though in truth this is a book about history it ends up being really really interesting.

I find myself taking my time reading it and going online to learn about the history that he has changed. Most of the people in his book really existed in some form or another but lived very interesting lives. It is a great read.

What I am watching: Well at the moment I am have not watched anything in a few days but I did catch a couple of episodes of The Office the other day. I am watching Season Two at the moment and it is very funny.

What I am listening too: I am still on a pretty hard Adelle kick at the moment. I listen to her stuff at least once a day.

What am I dorking out too: Well got some new magic cards for my birthday so I played a few rounds with Cag the other night. That was a lot of fun. In terms of video games I am really into Smash Brothers right now. It is simple mindless fun, but addictive mindless fun.

It is Sunday night and it feels as if I have lived a whole lifetime in one weekend. On Friday morning I left to go to Beat Me in St Louis 12 and even though I know it was only a few days it feels as if years have past. I find it surprising that the world back home has been left mostly unchanged. There should be cobwebs in my house and Gwendy should be a teenager. Instead it appears that aside from some odd snow fall things are not very different.

I am different, I have changed in many ways that I can't put to words.

I have gone to Beat Me four times now. The first time was when I had turned 21 just three days before. I had no partners then, only friends and I spent the whole event just watching everything. It was like this strange surreal other world that I was lucky enough to visit. It still feels that way though I belong more with the strangeness that surrounds me.

The other two times I went to Beat Me were with partners and firm identities. Once I went as a Dom with a submissive at my side. The other time I went as a sub taking my Domme to her first event of this type. What is interesting to note is that even though I went with Koren and ended up mostly playing the role of submissive, I did not feel like I came to the event with that role.

In fact the more I explore power exchange the less use I have for the terms Dominant or submissive as a title. I am even less fond of the word switch. For the first time I really felt as if I went as myself and did not embrace any title. Now I am sure to most it seemed as if I was a submissive most of the event but it really felt more fluid then I am sure it looked. I mean I am always Ma'am's submissive but I was still always thinking of things from a perspective of how much fun it would be to top someone in the new funs ways we were learning. On Saturday night I really didn't even feel like a submissive at all. I bottomed to Ma'am but that is not the same thing. It felt very cool to be there with Ma'am and feel so comfortable with who we were. I have always loved Koren but I am not sure I really fell in love with us as a couple until this weekend or at least I fell in love all over again. I think we are in a very good place and I am so happy we had the weekend to showcase that fact. We also had a lot of good conversations and our lives and our relationship.

The event itself was the best one I had been too. It felt great to be out in the community after so long away. The classes I went to were all great and I learned some good stuff in each one. The venue was amazing and I hope they never change it. The room was nice, the whole experience was just plain grand.

So I have this grand plot and it involves the month of March.

You see February was a rough month for me as many people know. I had work stress, and family stress. Then I got a terrible fit of depression that would not go away. So I just sort of coasted through the month trying my best to survive.

I decided on Saturday, the last day of last month that I was not going to let March be the same. I decided I was going to put effort into changing my frame of mind about things. So Sunday came and it was as if the day was just a little bit brighter. The connection between Ma'am and I was stronger and I ran one of the best games of my life. Then at work I was able to make it through my 8 hours and not get depressed. This does not mean things at work are less bleak, it just means I have a better head about it.

So far so good. March will be a better month if it likes it or not.